Zwischen Himmel und Erde

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      又是一年的万圣节前夜，却是在HK度过的。清晨寒冷的冬风把我吹醒哆嗦着站在机场门口等到太阳升起，和很多意料之外情理之中相遇的同学去了香港。尽管一下飞机就有人递上Halloween的彩页，但一路上除了炎炎烈日外，一贯能巧妙地立足于中西文化之间的香港却对万圣节前夜似乎没有热度。在酒店度过了无聊也无奈的一天，听室友聒噪。老老实实呆在旅馆里看书吃泡面然后泡澡睡觉。

      晚上，我说今天是万圣节前夜啊。室友才突然想起来，跳起来说是啊去庆祝吧。怎么庆祝，在酒店里挨个儿敲门喊“Trick or Treat”吗，不给糖不是也没辙吗，总不能在酒店门上涂颜料吧。明天还要考试呢，谁会和你闹腾。

      我说你对了你知道吗今天是我家River Phoenix的15年忌日。她一脸茫然，当然也是我意料之中的。我又说好吧算了，一年前的今天是我和第一个host family待的最后一天。她也没有做什么回应，讨论了很多小女子好奇的问题后她洗洗睡了，留下我一个人坐在床上对着台灯。原来一年这么快就过去了，快得无法想象。去年的今天，我在干吗呢。为换家庭暗自掉泪。还在想一年是多么漫长。但十一月很快就变成了十二月，圣诞节之后就是春节，春节过后是戏剧节，戏剧节过后是春季音乐剧，再后来？就是考试，坐飞机，回国了。

      But it has been 15 years now, Dear River. No matter how swiftly time passed, whoever he is, even though he never belongs here, such a dusty worldly earth, he must be lonely now up there in heaven. The skin and flesh of his can never be touched; now, all we stare at is the nihility formed by millions of digits, fragments and pigments.

      So young, so beautiful, but so soon he passed away.What would it be if he were alive? Although I know he doesn't fit here, yet I have been thinking about it, with a tiny bit of unrealistic fantacy. What if he hadn't died? Any bit of possibility seems to light up the whole thing. If he were alive, many hold the belief, he would have been a brighter and more promising star than Leo, Tom, Johnny or Brad. If the ambulance had come a minute earlier, if River had taken in a little less drug on Halloween, if he had gotten the chance to sing, if he hadn't died, I am afraid, someday he would still took his own life. Anyways, I was only two when he died in 1993. If he had lived longer, I might actually have known him when he were a star. If I had known him alive, would the burning and perish ending of that star mean something different to me? Now he is a tale, a legend, a bird brushing passed me but never flying back. He fluttered to somewhere higher than my reach, leaving us a flowery feather to remember him.

      He would have been a superstar. But whatever. He died. All the predictions die. They are nothing but self-delusion,  holiday words or evasive excuses.

      He left fifteen years ago, like Elisabeth did a century ago. I guess somehow they are all the spirits of "sheer will" that I have long been yearned for,  pure enough to stand still, never compromising to the world. However sarcastically, I did mine, perhaps one of the biggest compromises on the Halloween one year ago.  Though I do not regret for it since the happiness it brought me, I still demonstrate my failure in self-actualization. The Lena'49.0617 splitted on that moment, heading to another parallel universe. Numerous Is, like numerous River Phoenixs, will in no way finally lead to the person it belongs to. I might have made the relatively right decision then but my personality would eventually direct to the same destination. I will be me in the end, while River will still end up in the other world. We are destined by ourselves. River Phoenix is eternally that little boy lying on the road.

      Luckily as long as remembered by  us, you will not die. You are a phoenix,  the secular bird. Hope you are all well on the 15th anniversary. I miss you, River Phoenix.